heavy downpours of torrential rain, snow, and sleet weighed down the campus. the nights seemed darker as storm clouds hovered ominously above. they abdicated the moon from her throne in shadowy sedition.
meanwhile, i get along just fine.
the other day, a performer by the name of S. Bear Bergman came to do her show in the small performance space in my building. she impersonated a Jewish performer whose fame became widespread through his shows in Auschwitz. the show consisted of Bergman going in and out of character. out of character, she was herself. at first glance, it's difficult to identify her gender. she had a goatee, close-cropped hair, and dressed in slacks with a tucked in oxford.
she said that she represented confusion.
her impersonations of the Jewish actor consisted mainly in her ability to speak in a German-Jewish accent. they were mostly comedic reliefs for the heavier material that she spoke of out of character.
there were thirteen or fifteen of us in the audience. i sat in the front. i was prompted to sit in the front.
maybe it's like the Blue Man show, i thought.
truthfully, didn't like the show. whenever i watch performances, i change my mindset into a critical mode, assessing the overall aesthetic and performative appeal. her actions, dialogue, and overall production churned through the gears in my head to be assessed by my subjectivity.
it turns out that i didn't think too highly of it all.
her words were eloquent, like a thick, decadent chocolate. she had a way of twisting words until they submitted to her will. her words violated my mind and i cerebrally curled around each syllable, so i could understand what she was saying.
i took the words for face value, and enjoyed their metaphoric substance. that was all though -- her words didn't incite feeling in me. they didn't stick to me palpably. i felt her sorrow, but i didn't respond with any.
beauty
beauty... beauty.
?
when i was a child, i liked to play with my dog, 눈송이, or "snowflake." once, while we were playing together in the backyard, my maid came out and to leave some bones out for Snowflake. immediately, my dog left me and went to gnaw on the bones. i watched as my dog left me for some measly portions of meat. my childlike hands reached out and groped the empty space that Snowflake once inhabited. slowly, slowly, i watched her white body slip away from me, farther, farther away.
like Snowflake, my understanding of beauty is slipping away from me. big deal! who cares? there's so much more to worry about.
but perhaps beauty is the bone and everything else i appreciated is Snowflake.
the actress Bergman's performance didn't appeal to me as beautiful. i'm a pretty sentimental guy, so when somebody does something really remarkable, i often tear up at the sight of human brilliance and capacity.
but in the void of where i might have felt the excited warmth of beauty, i felt obligation. i felt obligated to think highly of Bergman's performance because of its subject matter - the Holocaust.
i wonder... is this right?
